umalohokans
admit it. we all are gossipers. we like to gather in one corner of the room and tell tales (or for some, spin tales) about other people. unraveling their misfortunes, exposing their mistakes, marvelling at their misfortunes.
we would gather in coffee shops, living rooms, or even beside the office water dispenser to unwrap our little presents of information. just like Jesus distributing fishes he had multiplied, we too distribute tidbits of gossips to feed the hunger of our fellow gossippers. information that has been multiplied, altered, enhanced to suit the demanding taste of our followers.
no topic is considered taboo. all is fair game. from the trivial fashion missteps and social boo boos, to the more juicy life altering occurrences such as who’s cheating, who’s breaking up, or who’s going to get horizontally bigger in a span of 9 months.
the person of the day also varies. sometimes its a celebrity or someone famous. but most of the time its an acquaintance or a so-called ‘friend’. it is of course obvious who the topic of conversation is depending on the volume and tone of voice. a loud voice signifies that a celebrity is in discussion. there is an authoritarian tone of knowing something and a sort of pride of knowing it before others. but if the voice gets low and almost inaudible then the topic has shifted to someone they personally know. here, the tone is not anymore authoritative but more conspirational. coupled with enlarged eyeballs and controlled lip movements, the gossiper would seem like a messiah distributing the much valued mannah from heaven.
but why do we gossip?
at its most basic level, we gossip (passing of information) because it helps in the information process. in pre-hispanic times, tribes would have umalohokans or people who announce uhm anything of importance. and people will then pass it on and thus increase the speed of passing vital information.
for anthropologists, gossip fulfills another function: developing language and communication. according to some theorists (they never got famous so i have no idea who they are), back when humans are still apes (e.g. hairy) coming together in groups to groom each other is common. this is a form of social bonding. however with the development of language humans found that sharing stories is an easier of bonding together than looking for parasites on each other’s heads.
but why are gossips mostly negatives stories about people?
well some social scientists (again fame was elusive) claim that gossip functions as an enforcer of social norms. those who have violated these norms would be subjected to the shameful experience of having fellow group members talking about his/her actions in his/her back.
also, gossip serves as a way of reciprocating someone’s good deeds (a rare occurence) or transgressions (a warning to fellow members).
any which way, gossip has a purpose and because of this here are a couple of blind items to wet one’s appetite for this wonderful social invention:
1.) May Ganu’n?
By: Ogie Diaz
BLIND item: Napa-“Ha? Ano, totoo ’yan?” kami nu’ng marinig namin mula sa isang reliable friend ang tsikang ang isang young actor na winner sa isang contest ay nagpahada sa isang bading last week lang.
Ang nakakalokah nito (tsismosung-tsismoso ang dating, huh!), hulaan n’yo kung sino ang kanyang bugaw?
Sino? (Naku, ako na rin daw ang nagtanong, o!)
Hindi bading, hindi rin girl. Lalaki. At ito’y kasama pa mandin ng young actor sa contest na sinalihan, kaso, lost ang byuti nito at wagi naman ang young actor.
Magkano ang usapan?
Well, nahada ng isang mayamang bading ang bagets actor sa halagang… dyandyararan…. beinte mil! As in, twenty kiyaw!
Uy, sabi nga ng iba, hindi na masama. Siyempre, gusto naming isiping sobrang nangangailangan ang bagets, kaya kumapit na sa patalim, bayan ko.
Clue? Ang initials ng bagets actor na ito, kapag pinagdikit mo ay parang gusto mong makinig sa kanya at sasabihin mong, “Ha? Ha? Ha? Totoo nga?”
2.) Journal Group
By: Leo M. Bukas
HUWAG na kayong magtaka kung bakit wala na ang ginagamit na sasakyan ng guwapong aktor na dating boyfriend ng isang gay singer.
Hinatak ang sasakyan ng kumpanyang pinagkakautangan nito, dahil eight months nang hindi nababayaran.
Ang sasakyan ng guwapong aktor ay hindi galing sa gay singer. Bigay ito ng isa pang bading na karelasyon din ng aktor.
Sabi ng gay singer: “Naku, karma lang ’yan, kasi ipinagpalit niya ako sa iba. ’Yan tuloy, wala na siyang car ngayon. Buti nga sa kanya!”
in technicolor 